Wanted: 20 million credits

Wanted for

unboat is wanted in various questionable circles—not for anything illegal in the traditional sense, but for a deeply unsettling combination of being from Canada, standing like a giant among men, and an almost unnatural devotion to spreadsheets.

Towering in both stature and presence, he moves through the world with quiet, overwhelming efficiency. Encounters with Gunboat often leave witnesses slightly disoriented—partly from his size, partly from the polite apologies, and partly from the realization that he has already optimized the situation into a neatly color-coded table.

His most feared offense is “spreadsheet abuse,” a term loosely used to describe his tendency to turn anything—social plans, arguments, grocery runs, existential crises—into a perfectly structured workbook with pivot tables. Entire committees have been known to surrender mid-meeting after he shares a dashboard.

Despite his intimidating capabilities, he remains unfailingly courteous, apologizing even while reorganizing reality into columns and conditional formatting.